Knowing what I did and what happened, I know that for the most part, I brought this on myself. And if this is a somewhat unfair judgment, then, in any case, I had no control of the things that have transpired.
After the meltdown, I knew that I will be, for the most part, left alone. Even now, after all this change, I still find myself yearning for a phone call, or someone inviting me, someone remembering me. I know that things had to go in a certain route and the only way this route could lead me is to some place where the past is buried deep and can never be unearthed.
The people that matter stayed, and stayed in their form entire. So, this new world may be a lonely one, but at least it lacks a sure downward spiral into annihilation. I still feel grateful that the very few that remained by my side when everyone else understandably showed their back to me did in fact stay to this day.
So I scurried off and shot myself into a path I’ve always loved, a love that is assured by my deaf heritage, and not something that I can deny, my love for science notwithstanding.
So, among other things, I think the most important thing to re-acquire after my “rebirth” is those sweet getaways from loneliness I once had and could no longer have today. Getaways in people that this time, I could trust and, even if I won’t, I won’t be trying to burn my way into self-destruction, or will be missing their part in sending me there.
I came back from that fire to build, or at least, to not destroy further.