Loss For Words

My biggest issue with Dad is his inability to understand what I’m saying. My life’s occupation has been to break down Hebrew (and rarely, English) into tiny fathomable bits. Undoubtedly, much is lost in translation, but after the process of verbal decomposition is finished: Dad was always able to understand what people are, more or less,  telling him.

Often, the job included more advocacy than interpretation – which is defined (by me) merely as the conveyance of ideas, meanings and words between two participants using a human or mechanical mediator.

So now, when I am at my present condition, with my second suicide attempt unsuccessful (that was Wednesday, 10/6/2009), and I actually do need “to be saved” – I know that I can only be saved by an indestructable soul that can truly master the manipulation of words.

I need help. The only thing I know is that it will take a very large vocabulary to get through to me.

I live, breathe and flourish through words,

and now I may die without the right ones.

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12 Responses to “Loss For Words”

  1. s. ifhar Says:

    don’t know if I have a large enough vocabulary, but I’m willing to help.

  2. s. ifhar Says:

    I can listen, and talk. and if you can see past the Californian guises of some of my methods, I can offer an exercise that might get your thinking unstuck – works wonders for me.

    • freidenker24 Says:

      Listening and talking is good – “your methods” – I’m not so sure. Make the offer, you can trust that the matter is important for me enough to give the proper scrutiny to any way out of this situation that may come my way.

      I would like some elaboration on the subject of “Californian guises”.

  3. s. ifhar Says:

    well, no pressure.

    my offer is that you email me at sifhar at gmail to schedule a more private conversation. I won’t trick you into trying anything you don’t want to try, and will elaborate on said guises.

  4. John Morales Says:

    What the heck?

    Just backtracked to your blog after your recent comment on Pharyngula.

    (I think I remember you from Evangelical Realism some time back)

    I know this is an old post, but: If you’re really fighting depression and have had suicidal episodes, my advice is that you really should seek professional help; it may well be the case that medication will help.

    I’m subscribing to your RSS for now, you have piqued my interest.

    • freidenker24 Says:

      I remember you very well from ER, you’re an active commenter there, and author of my most favorite comments (here’s a little pervert diversion I have – I like having lunch while having the comment section of ER and Pharyngula in front of me – it beat TV ages ago.)

      I *am* seeking professional help. Since this is Israel, and I’m not very financially-endowed plus any other number of inconveniencing factors – to seek professional help is miles away from getting it.

      Thanks, John – I really appreciate your comment.

      • John Morales Says:

        No worries. I quite admired the way you actually engaged your faculties back there, and thought about the issue.

        I think I have a vague idea of your difficulties; good to hear you’re being rational about the issue.

        Though I most emphatically would not recommend self-medication, I do suggest (though I suspect you’ve already done this) doing internet research on depression and its causes. If it’s psychological in nature, it’s amenable to amelioration by dint of honest self-discipline; if it’s due to a chemical imbalance, then the situation is problematic.

        Anyway, I shan’t be pestering you here, but FWIW you have my sympathy and support.

        Hang in there!

  5. John Morales Says:

    PS my lexicon is extensive, but only in English (though Spanish is my first language). FWIW.

    I acquired my facility with language through obsessive and extensive reading, whilst habitually looking up any words I was unsure of in the dictionary.

    It’s a slog, but highly worthwhile, and needs no interaction with others.

    • freidenker24 Says:

      Oh, I’ve known about the causes of depression before I was diagnosed about it – it’s fascinating stuff, really. I’d like to add that knowing what causes it does very little in helping you ameliorate how it fucks up everything in your life.

      My situation is probably not chemical, but it can be aided by medication (and I say this even though a strong gut feeling says otherwise).

  6. John Morales Says:

    Just wondering, do you have a pet? If not, have you considered getting one, if it would be practical?

    Sometimes, having someone else to care for (yes, yes, I know animals are not the same as people, but I’m hardly going to suggest you get shacked-up 🙂 ) can motivate you to keep going, those times when you don’t care so much for yourself.

    • freidenker24 Says:

      I wish I did, and that’s a great proposition. Problem is – my dad will never hold for a pet, and I live with him (he’s deaf, and is often quite like a pet, except he pays the electrical bill and asks me to make phone calls)

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