Drifting away, pretending I’m sailing

I don’t hold to determinism as though it were my worldview. I despise determinism, and my determinist side rears its ugly head when I’m in a bad mood.


I’m never deterministic when my head works.

But sometimes I feel that my upbringing and the circumstances of my birth and childhood, circumstances I had and have no control of – are in many ways responsible for what I’m going through.

I’m an average person in many respects. Maybe I have a few talents, here and there, but on the whole, I’m an average person.

I like that. I’m my father’s son. My father is a sweet person, and an ignorant rube, and although I was endowed with enough sentience to be aware that he is an ignorant rube,

I’m an ignorant rube’s sun, and you can only go so far with that kind of upbringing.


At least that’s the feeling I get whenever I’m too scared to try my best.

Whenever the idea of excellence scares me, or even the thought of being noted for hard work or superior skills.

The minute someone notices that I’m in the race – the spell is broken,

and I just want my obscurity back.


All of that, of course, is utter bullshit.I don’t have to be afraid. I choose to be.


2 Responses to “Drifting away, pretending I’m sailing”

  1. John Morales Says:

    Ignorance is remediable, as are anxiety disorders.

    don’t have to be afraid. I choose to be.

    Bravery ain’t not being afraid, it’s being afraid and still going ahead. You are who you are.

    You don’t have to change your personality, only your actions (though the latter may lead to the former).

    I wish you well.

  2. freidenker24 Says:

    I don’t think my personality is plastic enough to change the glaring vices I have.

    And I think I’ve come to terms with that. Though sometimes when I run into some misfortune, I can’t help but feeling that the whole thing isn’t in my hands. There are indeed many variables that I never had any control over.

    Not to implicate that I’m some lost genius, but just to illustrate the point: if Einstein was born 500 years ago, he would have his potential completely missed – or at least wildly abused because of the conditions of his environment.

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