The pillory is the ultimate paterfamilias : it shows you remorselessly that the limbs and head in its slots are yours alone, and that the most sympathetic audience cannot deliver them.
Archive for the ‘Dad’ Category
My relationship with father is similar to the relationship I had with mother when she was alive:
every day, I would do everything I could to stay away from him/her. I didn’t want to help, I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to make the abrasion of responsibility to be as painless as it can be for today. The CODA duty is like water hitting a rock: it disintegrates you slowly and as you watch the cold water drop, you know that each one digests you one bit further to oblivion.
Dad went to a 4-day trip today with his girlfriend. The feeling I have now is not new. I used to feel the same when he and mom went to trips (obviously, I’m not feeling the same way towards his girlfriend). The thing I have for Dad for is that I love what he is, but I hate who he is. His personality is childish, annoying, manipulative, useless. But what he is, he is my father, he’s the helpless, puzzled giant who mirrored every helplessness I ever felt and into whom I reflected every fear I have ever had to endure:
I borrow his deafness and his stupidity and his inferiority because I feel deaf, stupid and inferior myself.
And when he goes away, I suddenly stop considering what a pain in the ass he is and immediately start swallowing the pill again that he’s just like me: self-serving, terrified, embarrassed about who he is and how he looks like and what he does,
and still shamelessly trying to make the best of it.
I got a thing for Daddy and it’s hardcore love. I can’t beat it with logic,
it always beats mine.