Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

The Fragile Hands Slips Off Mine Once More

June 4, 2010

If my greatest thrusts of passionate, loving empathy cannot save one soul,

then cui bono?

A fragile hand leads strong hands to oblivion – exactly where I wish I was, right now.

Deserves More

November 24, 2009

It’s been years

And you should now expect me to be blunt and, to you,

scathing.

if you still love me after all I’ve put you through

please

mark my words patiently.


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Drifting away, pretending I’m sailing

November 19, 2009

I don’t hold to determinism as though it were my worldview. I despise determinism, and my determinist side rears its ugly head when I’m in a bad mood.

 

I’m never deterministic when my head works.

But sometimes I feel that my upbringing and the circumstances of my birth and childhood, circumstances I had and have no control of – are in many ways responsible for what I’m going through.

I’m an average person in many respects. Maybe I have a few talents, here and there, but on the whole, I’m an average person.

I like that. I’m my father’s son. My father is a sweet person, and an ignorant rube, and although I was endowed with enough sentience to be aware that he is an ignorant rube,

I’m an ignorant rube’s sun, and you can only go so far with that kind of upbringing.

 

At least that’s the feeling I get whenever I’m too scared to try my best.

Whenever the idea of excellence scares me, or even the thought of being noted for hard work or superior skills.

The minute someone notices that I’m in the race – the spell is broken,

and I just want my obscurity back.

 

All of that, of course, is utter bullshit.I don’t have to be afraid. I choose to be.

Deliberations With a Friendly Bigot

September 22, 2009

I’m writing this from Antalya, Turkey. I’m currently on vacation with my girlfriend, and it’s safe to say that minus the horrible stomach aches I get in the mornings from eating like a filthy swine and drinking sub-lethal (or almost lethal) amounts of alcohol – we are having an awesome time, thank you very much.

The purpose of this post is not to tell you how much fun I’m having. That, on its own, is not particularly interesting. I wish to write a few paragraphs about a guy called Safa, he’s our Turkish “special guest” (NO, we did not have a threesome). Einat met Safa this one evening while I was otherwise doing my best not to vomit the copious amounts of vodka I consumed earlier on. They had a friendly chat, and we set up a date for us three later on.

The following evening, Safa, girlie and me met at the main bar, ordered a few drinks, and started chatting away. We also proceeded to rendezvous with two of Safa’s friends from Iran (!!). You’re probably thinking right now: “oh, he had ‘deliberated’ with bigots. He met Iranians, hence title of post, enter altercations by angry Jews and Iranians”.  Nope. First of all, it was almost impossible to communicate any meaninful messages to our two Iranian friends, let alone shout at them with righteous indignation. Their English was quite bad, and other than that, they only speak Farsi, which is utter gibberish to me, pretty much the same way Hebrew is to them.

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Trekking Through Time

July 5, 2009

A long time before I even knew about evolutionary theory, I’ve been an avid history-fan. I used to read history books for kicks and joyfully play historical-themed computer games. Back when I was 12 years old or so, I used to play this game, Civilization II (I still play Civ4 today!). Civ2 had this widget called “Civilopedia”, which gave a textual reference to everything in the game.

I remember spending hours just reading the extra info about “the wonders of the world”, the various kinds of technologies and historical events depicted in the game, and so on.

To be honest, as a biogeek, I took it somewhat for granted that the earth is old and that radiometric dating works just fine and dandy. I took it somewhat for granted, yes, but I was always fascinated with how is it that we know how long it’s been since this or that had occurred or this or that of an organism had gone extinct.

Lately, to make up for this, I went on to read books that dealt specifically with this topic. So, I read “Bones, Rocks and Stars”, “Guns, Germs and Steel” and “How to Build a Dinosaur” – all books that deal, either primarily or superfluously, with deep time, and how we investigate it.

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4.5 Hours With a Rubik’s Cube

June 21, 2009

I hope this isn’t going to turn out as boring as it looks – But if I actually DO spend 4.5 hours dismantling and reassembling a Rubik’s cube, I’m either the most idiot OCD-copycat alive and I specifically just need a serious kick in the teeth

or it’s time for a med-change.

And here I cross the line, and start writing ho-hum, “woe is me” posts for no one to read, aching for sympathy while knowing that sympathy helps shit (which is why the IMs and FB are closed right now)

Because I want a simple way out

and I’m gonna sit here on my fat lazy ass and slowly decompose until some idiot tries his special brand of affection on me

or not.

Idiot.

GABA, Ethanol, and Me.

June 20, 2009

GABA, or Gamma-Aminobutyric acid, is an important neurotransmitter and regulatory molecule in the mammalian nervous and developmental systems. GABA has many kinds of agonists, the most famous (probably) being ethanol.  When ethanol is ingested, it inhibits certain areas of the brain, normally associated with pleasure and reward seeking, motor planning and learning, and decision making and thinking.

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Talking to a Guitar

June 13, 2009

My good (and probably only, if we’re talking males here) friend gave me a guitar lesson today. I thought playing the guitar might emit some of those pesky suicidal thoughts I’ve been having, and maybe bring some cheer into my life.

A  musical instrument is not an intuitive device for me. I’ve loved music as soon as I’ve heard it first, which was at about age 13. Deaf parents means deaf adolescence, and music was only “imported” into my Deaf island later on. I was never taught how to play an instrument as a boy for (to me, at least) obvious reasons and I sort of wish I’ve gone past the basic steps of studying basic music theory and such.

I can’t play the guitar, but I’ve got so much I have to tell it.

Loss For Words

June 12, 2009

My biggest issue with Dad is his inability to understand what I’m saying. My life’s occupation has been to break down Hebrew (and rarely, English) into tiny fathomable bits. Undoubtedly, much is lost in translation, but after the process of verbal decomposition is finished: Dad was always able to understand what people are, more or less,  telling him.

Often, the job included more advocacy than interpretation – which is defined (by me) merely as the conveyance of ideas, meanings and words between two participants using a human or mechanical mediator.

So now, when I am at my present condition, with my second suicide attempt unsuccessful (that was Wednesday, 10/6/2009), and I actually do need “to be saved” – I know that I can only be saved by an indestructable soul that can truly master the manipulation of words.

I need help. The only thing I know is that it will take a very large vocabulary to get through to me.

I live, breathe and flourish through words,

and now I may die without the right ones.

You Love Biology, Remember?

June 4, 2009

Exam period’s coming up. Pressure’s building since there’s midterms in organic chem Monday – and all the while, I keep reminding myself, like the the most ardent zealot: “I’m doing all this crap, that I don’t enjoy much, because I love biology”.

I know I love biology enough. It’s too bad I have to endure so much crap for it.

The things I do for love…